


Wizards Are Cool But These Guys Ain't Wizards

by Corvid_Knight



Series: Demonstuck [35]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Demonstuck, Multi, cool magic! and wizards!, holy shit how are there so many people in this, mothman literally says fuck the police, strilondes vs. wizards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 18:38:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17229134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corvid_Knight/pseuds/Corvid_Knight
Summary: Anon prompt on Tumblr was "The wizards come for Roxy after someone witnesses her doing wizardy things. The Strilonde clan come after the wizards."as usual, I took some liberties! Mostly adding even more badasses to come scare the hell out of some bastards!





	Wizards Are Cool But These Guys Ain't Wizards

The letter just shows up on the kitchen table one morning. Not even _your_ kitchen table; Hal texts you a series of pics of the thing, starting with it lying untouched on the Striderian table in between one of Jake's tarot decks and a half-eaten slice of pizza and ending with the envelope open and the parchment (not paper but actual fucking parchment) unfolded on top of it.

You have to text him back to inform him that you're not fucking trying to read calligraphy at ten in the morning on your off week. And no, you're not waking Callie up to do it, either; she's too cute cuddled up between you and Janey. He can run the thing through a translation algorithm if he doesn't want to transcribe it himself, but _you're_ not doing it.

The fact that he sends you back an apologetic message instead of a snarky one is kinda a tip-off that this is actually A Thing. The kind of Thing that has the potential to develop into An Issue. Maybe even A Situation.

The current status immediately solidifies into A Situation as soon as Hal sends you the transcript.

_Miss Roxanne Gabrielle Lalonde:  
It has come to the attention of those who watch the ones greater than mere humans that you possess a distinct lack of the ability to conceal the fact that you are, indeed, capable of actions beyond the understanding of the common man. Due to the obvious hazard that those such as you present, the Council firmly insists a meeting at a neutral location of your choosing, to discuss and implement a solution to your promiscuity.  
We would prefer that you were punctual with this, Miss Lalonde. The alternative is that we will be forced put our own solution, as unpleasant as it may be, into effect._

TG: a solution to my fuckn WHAT

AI: Magical promiscuity, Roxy. I somehow doubt that someone's trying to call you out for sleeping around.

TG: good! cause i dont!  
TG: ffs cant a girl have her girlfriends without idiot wizards getting their dicks in a knot over it

AI: I literally just said this wasn't what this is about.

TG: if ur trying to convince me not to magic their dicks into pretzels then u better give up now

AI: Oh, by all means do that. But seriously, Jake's getting bad vibes off this thing.

TG: oo shit what kind

AI: He picked it up before we saw the name on it and almost collapsed, according to Dirk.  
AI: It's got magic all over it. As in, the damn thing might actually be nothing but a magical construct, rather than pen and ink on parchment.

TG: kinda a lot of effort for one lil message robro

AI: Not if it's meant to send the message that the people who sent it have power to spare.  
AI: Are you disliking that last bit as much as I am?

TG: im not liking ANY of it so

AI: Yes, but the fact that they're overtly threatening you in the last sentence is more than worrisome.

TG: oh yeah that

AI: Frankly, that shit's offensive.

TG: definitely  
TG: u got a location picked for this yet?

AI: I do. Would you like me to confirm a date and time for the meeting?

TG: fuck yeah i would  
TG: which one are u gonna use, the place where we picked up the chupacabra or that lake where u got drowned that one time 

AI: I was thinking the latter. No one ever thinks that we'll make a fuss somewhere with that many witnesses.

TG: their fuckin funeral  
TG: meet you guys there

AI: Of course. Will six hours do it?

TG: tell em five and then change it to seven after a couple minutes  
TG: ill be there in six

AI: Perfect. See you then.

You lay your phone down on the table by the bed and grimace, reaching up to run your fingers over the blue-furred cat tattooed on your shoulder. It shifts slightly under your touch, and you look over to see Jane's equally blue eyes watching you. 

"We got A Situation," you inform her, settling back down on the pillows, close enough to lean across Callie's still-sleeping form and give Janey a quick kiss on the cheek. The tattooed snake currently wrapped around your upper arm shifts a bit as you do; the sphinx is probably gonna wake up in the next couple minutes. "Wanna take a trip down to Missouri with me?" 

"Romantic or business?" Jane quirks an eyebrow at you, one hand coming up to cradle the back of your head, pull you in just a lil' bit more. "I mean, I'll take either." 

"Ass-kicking, but we can squeeze romantic in too." You grin at her, then shift to kiss at Calliope's forehead as she mumbles something sleepy and tries to turn to nuzzle into your neck. "Hey, Callie, you wanna come scare some assholes with me?" 

It kinda really sounds like her answer to that is an almost-unintelligible rendition of _five more minutes._ Jane must hear the same thing, because she snorts with laughter at the same time that you start giggling, and you both start the process of kissing Callie awake at the same moment.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, most of the Strider clan's already waiting for you at the lake when you get there. You park your truck next to the several already there, take a second to grin at how pissed the rich assholes who own most of the property around here must be at this collection of battle-scarred vehicles, and hop out just in time for a soaking wet ten-year-old to tackle you with an earsplitting squeal of " _Roxyyyy!_ " 

"Liv! Heya!" She shrieks again when you scoop her up off her feet and swing her around a couple time, clinging to you like you're gonna fling her into the water if she doesn't. "Did your sibs push you in, or did you just go swimming in your clothes, kiddo?" 

"Both!" Liv almost overbalances when you set her back on her feet, clinging to you with one hand and pushing sopping lavender hair out of her eyes with the other. "Jr said I could push them in if they got to push me in—" 

"Ah, diplomacy. Nice!" 

"—then we both pushed Seb in, and he pulled Sollux in—" 

"Damn, Hal got Sollux here too?" 

Liv nods, pointing, and yep, there's the dude himself, waist-deep in the lake and doing _something_ that keeps the splashes of the two kids (and three adults; not only are both his partners in there flinging water at him, D is too, grinning like an idiot while Grey stands on the thin strip of sand watching him with the fondest fuckin' smile) from reaching him. Huh, telekinesis is _still_ really fuckin' cool. 

"Are you gonna swim?" Liv asks you, bouncing up and down slightly. 

"Aw, sweetie, maybe later. I gotta talk to Hal right now, though. Why don't you ask Auntie Janey 'n Callie?" 

She nods, lets go of your hand to dash around to the other side of the truck, and you let the grin on your face harden into something less friendly as you head over to the picnic table that Hal's sitting at.

* * *

Forty-five minutes of discussion and planning later, most of the group that Hal's brought here relocates maybe a hundred feet up the beach. Callie stays in the water with the kids, and so does Feferi; it's not like any of them're actually capable of drowning, but this oughta keep any concerned normies from poking their noses in where they don't belong.

A couple more members of the delegation on your behalf don't show themselves yet, either, but you feel pretty damn secure right now anyway. Grey's behind you, between you and the water; on your right are Janey and Eridan, on your left Sollux and D. Dirk and Hal stand in front of you, arms folded and identical blank expressions on their faces. 

(...they probably don't know that you can't look at them without almost cracking up. You're _so_ gonna tell them that later.) 

The alarm that you set to tell you when you hit the arranged time starts beeping at almost the exact moment that black lightning lances up from the ground ten feet in front of you. Ooh _shit_ you're gonna have to figure how to do that after this is over. 

The lightning dissolves into mist after a second. When _that_ clears, it leaves...hmm, you have to count. Eight—no, nine black-robed figures, faces not just hidden by their hoods but obscured by shadows that not even the bright light of noon can pierce. 

Ugh. Drama queens. And like, not even good ones. You'd be _way_ more impressed by some color. Hats instead of hoods. What kind of wizard are you if you don't have some fun with the aesthetic? 

The fact that you've shown up with a mismatched collection of bodyguards that range from a hot chick in a business suit to a skinny twink with scars across almost every inch of exposed skin and a shirt that says SAVE THE BEES seems to throw them for a good thirty seconds. That, or they're trying to be intimidating. 

You're not fucking intimidated. 

"Hey there, bitches." (You can almost sense Hal mentally yelling at you for saying the word he specifically made you promise not to say. These guys _are_ bitches, though.) "What the fuck did you want from me?" 

The hoods make it so you have no idea which one of them speak, but your money's on the guy in the center. It just makes sense. "Roxanne Lalonde, you have been—" 

And that's as far as he gets, because Dirk bites out, "Her name's _Roxy_ ," in a tone that suggests he's a couple inches away from enforcing their pronunciation of it with his fists. 

The guy pauses for a couple more seconds, then starts again in the exact same hollow tone as before. "Miss Lalonde, you have been cited for—" 

"Cited by who?" This time it's Hal who speaks up, just as brusque as his twin was. "On what fucking authority?" 

"The authority of power." 

"Bullshit." D spits out the word with more venom than you really expected. "Say you're trying to bully my niece and go, fucker." 

The pause this time is even longer; you feel a nice spark of vindictive satisfaction at the way that the hooded wizard assholes aren't standing unnaturally still now, but shifting slightly in either confusion or worry. 

They better be fucking worried. 

"The guild has policed those who use magic from time immemorial," the central wizard dude says, finally. He's almost certainly got more to say, but Grey cuts him off. Again. 

" _Fuck_ the police," he rumbles, and even though you've got your back to him, you see his shadow change as he shifts from human to something else, wings snapping open with a soft but unmistakable sound. 

Their entire fucking group takes a step back. Which is satisfying. The fact that two of them raise their hands even as they retreat, summoning blue-green flames out of the air between your group and theirs? Not so much. 

It gets satisfying again when Eridan snarls and half-turns to snatch at nothing, his power pulling at the body of water behind you until it gives up and sends a tendril forward. He shapes the liquid with his hands for a moment, drawing more and more out until there's a great bubble of water floating between your group and the fire. 

The wizards seem to figure out what he's doing right before he actually does it, because the flames flare brighter in the second before Eridan points at them. It's not even kind of enough to keep them lit through the water enveloping them. 

When the steam clears, you see that the hooded bastards took another step back. Good. 

Not quite good enough, though, because the center one growls, "Resistance will be met with lethal force!" 

"There's no way that lethal force would be lawful in this situation," Jane interjects. You don't have to look at her to know that she's wearing the same calm smile that the fae who hire her to be their emissary see right before she fucks up their plans for world domination. "Unless you're going to appeal before the—" 

"Incoming," Sollux mumbles too soft for anyone but you and D to hear him. Out of the corner of your eye, you see blue and red sparks flare around his head for just a second. "Get your ath in here, thkeleton boy." 

The flicker of darkness between the wizards and you exists for only a second before bright apocalyptic purple flares and just as quickly dies, leaving something a hell of a lot more solid than an afterimage. 

Kurloz isn't fucking around even a little bit. He's left no doubt as to who and what he is; the moment that he materializes he's fully demon, sharp-tipped white dreadlocks spreading out to shield you and your family from any more attacks. 

He just stands there for a moment, before you hear/feel his mental voice in your head. 

_**How fucking DARE you.**_

(You know he's not letting you feel the full impact of it, and the words still resonate loudly enough to feel like the end of the fuckin' world. Holy _shit_.) 

_**Time immemorial? I walked this motherfucking earth before the first leaders of your pitiful lil' guild drew breath. You know who you're fucking with here?**_

It isn't the guy in the center who answers. Nope, it's one of the guys off to one side; he falls to his knees, bows his head, and forces out the words, "Speaker to the—the Dead." 

_**Right in one try.**_ Kurloz's dreads ripple like ribbon in a strong wind, and one flicks forward, the edged tip catching delicately at the kneeling one's hood, pushing it off his face. 

The darkness under the hood blows away like smoke, and you see a relatively young guy with buzzed red hair and stunned, terrified eyes. He tracks the white tendril hovering before his face without moving his head, and only barely flinches when it strikes, leaving a bleeding slash across his cheek.

Kurloz bares his teeth, but still doesn't make a sound. _**You motherfuckers will leave.**_ More dreads dart forward, sharp tips angling to slice through black fabric and the skin underneath, every one coming away stained with red. _**Your guild is disbanded. Your time is over. Hide your magic if you want, use it if you will, but the motherfucking minute you fuck with those who don't see your views...well.**_

"You die," you finish for him. "Messily, if I know Kurloz." 

_**Lil' sis knows me very motherfucking well.**_ To you alone, he adds, _Coulda been more intimidating if you'd used my title and not my name._

Hmm, maybe. But you feel like he doesn't need to be more intimidating, especially since the next thing he does is draw all his dreads in and raise his hands, calling up bright purple lighting that, very briefly, overpowers the sun. 

When it fades and you blink your eyes clear, Kurloz is the only one standing there. 

Behind you, Grey sighs, and his shadow melts back to merely human again even as the pure purple light in Kurloz's eyes fades away. It's all a sign that this shit's done with, even before the demon announces, _**I'm going in the motherfucking water with the kids now,**_ and turns on his heel to head back down to where Callie and Fef are still playing with the kids. 

Jane slings an arm around your shoulder and pulls you over close enough to smooch your cheek. "I think we won." 

"Oh, we _definitely_ won." You grin back at her, wrapping your arms around her and learning in to return that kiss with interest. "Wanna go get Callie and see about that romantic shit I promised you, or should we take a dip first?" 

"Oh, I'm not coming all the way down here and _not_ swimming. Race you to the truck?" 

"Oh hell yes, you're on—hey!" 

She didn't even wait for you to say go. Fuck it, if you run fast enough you'll still beat her.


End file.
